The one with the decision

You know... Sometimes in life, there will be a point when a carrot is dangled in front of you. And at that point you will need to make a decision, whether to do as you like or want, despite the consequences. Or you just do what you have to.


Alot of things are on my mind right now. Hubs will soon be going for the training, but as we all know now, nothing is confirmed yet, how long, where to and all. I am very inclined to make the decision to follow him. Because of so many reasons, many only known to me and no one else because it's not necessary to list them all; it's my decision after all. One huge factor would be the whole adventure part. I know some think I'm nuts but what better time to do this than when I'm young still n my daughter is young too and we don't have to really worry bout work and school. This, however is something alot of people will never understand nor get.


There are many things to think about, n frankly I think I have thought about most things. From money, to being alone there, to my job and after we are back, to doing nothing much there, (how absolutely glorious don't you think?)except to think of what to do there, where to go and having the time to explore the place n figuring how to get around, and just having the time to stop and look up at the beautiful clouds. Oh? You don't think it's glorious??



Of course. There will be times that we will get frustrated, or lost or have to deal with nasty situations. Like what to do if Kate is sick? Or me? Or what if we don't have enough? Or what if people are mean to us? Or when I'm having a bad day and Kate won't cooperate? What if hubs have to stay at work late all the time and we are always alone? There are so much more of course, but so far no one has brought up anything that I have not thought of already. Any solution? Actually no. I'll just have to deal with each and every problem when it happens. And because I'm a mother, I have learnt that you just really have to prepare for the worst but not worry too much and take things in your stride. I'm not a risk taker when it comes to money. But strangely I'm one when it comes to my life, in a sense.


I think... (And this is taking a huge deal for me to admit) because of the depression (Yes I finally admit it, I know I have not been happy in awhile) that I have been going through since the transition into motherhood, and all the crappish stuff in my life, that I really feel that life is so mundane and everything that I have been doing thus far is merely surviving. Don't you sometimes wonder what you are doing here? Or that you are sick of life? I have been thinking that so, so often in my whole life. Surviving from day to day, is just not worth it. I feel that life is not worth it. (Is that so suprising? I'm not saying that I'm not blessed to have everything that I have, you know) And I just wanna try something different, to live, for once. I'm not saying that going on this impromtu long trip will solve anything about the way I feel, or that it is living. I just think that this saying makes sense; "In life, sometimes you have to get lost in order to find yourself." That is why in movies(And I think it happens in real life too, I don't care if you don't know anyone like that, if you don't, then let me be the first), people up and leave for awhile, especially after a long period of everyday mundaneness or depression or a really bad time. Then usually, they come back, richer in experience, poorer in the pocket, and especially in movies, they come back renewed, and happier. (I'm not saying this will happen, just giving an example) Does this makes sense? I am really so bad at articulating exactly how I feel, I mean I try, but when I read it, it just isn't enough to describe exactly how I'm feeling inside. But I guess, this is a sorta "how I feel" I must be thinking bout the whole "adventure" part.

Anyway, the most important person in this decision making has brought up his concerns and also made his stand quite clear too. And yes, hubs feel that I shouldn't go and stay for the whole duration, for reasons that I understand and agree on. So since his answer is better not, I'll leave it as it is. So there. Mind made up for me already. Nothing else to add...