Touched & blessed...

Lately, especially after I started work, I have been craving for some alone time with hubs. We don't really get alot of couple time, and now that I'm working too, we don't get alot of family time either. But like in the past, we are trying to make it work somehow. Of course with Kate around, it's hard to plan. And nowadays she really drives us all cuckoo! I hate the terrible twos! Sigh... But when she's fine, everything's dandy and I can only wait this whole terrible two's syndrome out. =(


So anyway, I am starting to understand why hubs sometimes wanna just go out after work and chill or whatever. And I'm beginning to realise that he would love it if I was around too, just that I have to stay home with Kate. So as I was saying, I guess its the whole "I have to work and follow my company's routine so sometimes I just wanna chill and relax." Because though I am only a part-timer, I am also feeling the whole "I wanna break out of this boring routine thing!" I mean, it applies also to full time mothers ok?? But I am realising that other people also goes through it, kid or no kid. (Mainly because now I am both a part-time employee and a 3/4 time mother) Haha.


Sooo.... just nice Michael asked hubs to go out on saturday, and to bring me along. So I was thinking about how I was to go, since weekends I know I won't be able to put her with my in-laws and didn't want to make mom have to look after her at night now too. So well, I tried my luck with my sister-in-law but she had plans and out of desperation (to finally just go out!) hubs tried his mom too. But my mil didn't dare, though she was willing to try... So in the end we didn't, for both Kate's and his mom's sake. Lol. So I was downcast the whole evening, Jo offered to help but I knew it would be risky since Kate has never had to be alone with her and Kate was afraid of Rick. So I told hubs to just go ahead because Michael and his wife Candy will be going to Vietnam soon, for two years. So that's an awfully long time. But hubs, I think, he felt really sorry for me---I really looked a sorry sight, shuffling my feet along as we made our way for dinner. I was just really so upset with our situation. I can count on just one hand how many times I have been out late without Kate, and that's for the past 2 years. And I can clock that five times easily in two weeks in the past. I even joked to hubs that nobody could rein me in when I was younger, not my parents, not anyone. But Kate? She did a smashing job at that. Hee.


So, resigned to another night of being grounded at home, I suddenly just felt like "Aiya, just ask mom. No harm done." So I asked mom and her reply? "It's not me, it depends on your daughter." Which is true. Mom, since Kate's birth, have offered before to sleep with Kate. But I refused, thinking that I should be the one doing the baby duties at night since mom was old already. So it got to the point where Kate refuses to stop crying if she wakes up and I'm not there. Now it's better, because she's beginning to sleep with Ken, and will be comforted by his presence. When I started work, because of Kate waking up early, I did mention to mom bout letting Kate sleep with her; maybe that way Kate will sleep in a bit more and not get interrupted sleep because of her parents leaving for work. Mom's reply was "Told you before to let her sleep with me right! So now then you allow." -_- Haha. So anyway I digress again. Mom agreed, and after telling her to call me if anything really happens, I got Kate ready to sleep and brought her and her stuff to the room. Initially when we were in my room and we told her we had to work, (can't tell her we going out la!) she was reluctant and said she didn't want mommy to work. When I brought her over, I told her since she is going to church the next day, ah ma and ah gong will sleep with her and wake her up. When she saw my mom reading her bible, she got all excited and with a "Ok, ah ma will read the bible to ya, pray for you & make you sleep k? Good night!", I left to change. We waited for awhile, to see if she would cry, but she didn't. And throughout the whole night, I was checking my hp, just in case, but thank goodness no call came. =)


So! We had fun chilling at this place, Cosy bar and also went to Lunar. All in all, I drank quite a bit, had fun out, and it was great being relieved of motherly duties. While there, I actually felt abit like the whole night was planned for us or something... And I was proven right when at the end of the whole night, with everyone high, Michael actually pulled us aside and hugged us both to his chest. (Yes, he did!) And he told us that this is for us, and he just wants us to be ( both hubs and I kept saying "Happy!") communicating. And Candy, she kept telling me at different points of the night to just let my hair down and not think of things at home. Hubs also told me that Michael told him to pay more attention to me... So honestly, I was seriously touched. Because it was really unexpected and to have people care about your marriage, it's just awfully sweet. So thank you guys!


And so like I said, I drank quite a bit, but! I think I have developed an inability to get drunk! I mean, I am a very lousy drinker, so it doesn't take much to get me high. But the past few times I drank quite a bit, I only got a bit high, not very, which was strange. And yesterday? With the amount I drank, I would have been seriously high but I wasn't... Hubs also noticed. =( How? Drinking is no fun if you don't get high right?? But ok la, anyway shouldn't be drinking so much. (Not that I'll have that many chances to anyway)


Mom told me Kate fell off the bed this morning, and with such a loud thud that dad jumped up in shock. Mom tried to grab Kate when she was shifting on the bed , searching for something (maybe me? or hubs?) but Kate was out of her reach. They were so worried but in the end Kate was fine. I can imagine the shock they got. And the shock poor Kate got. Sigh... So next time she sleeps with them, she's sleeping on the mattress, haha.


So! I guess though times really can be trying at times, and its really hard trying to get couple time together, it should work out soon. Jo offered to let us go for "Date nights" every 2 weeks or so. She told us to discuss and arrange for a fixed day, and just leave Kate to her. I love her for that suggestion! And am also touched by her/Rick's gesture. So now;

Weekdays--can put Kate at in-laws.
Weekends--Jo's in the evenings/Mom @ night.

That sounds great right? Of course it's not everyday, and not every week. And at the beginning, we gotta get Kate used to a few things; being alone with Rick & Jo / sleeping with my parents. After that, it should be fine, I hope!


**This may sound a little selfish. But I have decided not to have a second child. First, I can't stand the thought of going through all of it again now that it's better. Esp. not the whole marriage near breakdown part. (Read: I'm not blaming kids. I'm saying apparently hubs and I was not as ready as we thought we were) Secondly, since it seems that we can't handle one kid, how to handle two?? I know there are parents out there who has done so. But my concern is that, even now, we are impatient with Kate at times, when she can get really trying. And we don't spend enough time doing kiddish things with her like go out and have fun/ teach her stuff. (At least I find its not enough) So if I were to have another kid, that's half the time gone again. I already feel like I am short-changing my daughter sometimes, I don't want to short-change another kid/ have less time with both/ be less patient. In any case, I just feel that we won't be able to cope, not financially, but mentally and physically. So I won't have another kid. I don't want to be breaking down, because an unhappy parent is a lousy parent. When you are unhappy, you won't be able to be the best parent that you can be. So, no, no, no and no. Judge away, I don't care. And I do know the so called pros of having a second one, blah blah blah. After all, I am a thinking adult. So I know. But in my opinion, I want to do what is best for the interests of my child & marriage. You may not get it, but please, keep it to yourself k? Too many people has been asking me. And I get mad whenever I see people having children but not doing anything for the child and still trying for a second/third one when they already don't give their first/second-born any attention. We are supposed to be parents, not production factories. (This only refers to some people, not all ok. And I'm not referring to all who have more than one child. I know some great parents and more lousy ones) I'm sorry I'm judging. Sigh. I really shouldn't. It's just kids need love and attention and a happy home. So I just wanna try my best for my child.

Started work!

It's been nearly a month since I blogged! So much to say, so much has happened. So where should I start?
Work has been such a joy, I'm attached to a very lovely, cute indonesian. Kinda thought she was a filipino at first because of her unusual surname. Hee. My table is huge & the office's rather comfortable and nice. The pantry has a cool coffee/hot drinks dispenser and I love drinking my morning coffee at work. I start at 0830 and end work at 1230, and everyone usually comes in at 9 to 9 plus so I get a little time to myself which is cool because I'm not a morning person. Haha. And everyone leaves for lunch at about 11plus to 12 so actually I'm left alone alot, so there's the flexibility. Of course, I try not to abuse it, because I want to keep this job...=) I'm kept quite busy so I don't go checking the time which is good because I hate being idle at work. It's so hard to pass time if so! My colleagues are all females and my department seems to be the only department who chats and jokes. I really like my colleagues and my direct superior who's also very nice and accommodating to the fact that I have a gal to rush home to. I was supposed to work full days during the last week but so far I have not, as I managed to finish what I needed to do, and I guess I'm still too new to be of further help. Heh heh. But I'm glad because I was really quite stressed thinking about how stressed mom would be, at home with Kate. Haha. I really love feeling productive and of help!


And working has also helped me to be more productive at home too. Since I feel guilty bout leaving Kate to mom in the mornings, I am trying to help out more at home. I gotta come up with a schedule so as to manage my time better.


Sigh...I took a nap with Kate earlier, and woke up feeling so nice. Went downstairs and just felt like everything was nice, with the setting sun casting beautiful shadows everywhere. Was also reminded of Bunbury and Perth and my in-laws. I really miss chilling with them in their backyard, (or is it considered the front??) and I miss Australia.


And one last thing before I go do some housework! I found the ideal pre-school for Kate! Its really near, the place's lovely, they provide home-made snacks and it's inexpensive! The curriculum seems great, alot of hands on stuff for them to do and there's outdoor playtime too! Kate's godma approved of it which meant a lot to me since she works in this line and she has kindly explained to me what was important to look out for in a pre-school. In fact, she came along with me last friday to visit a few pre-schools on her leave. The best part of the pre-school is I don't have to worry about kindergardens and all too, since they have pre-nursery to K2. The only drawback is that Kate can only start pre-nursery at 30 months, which is July(June holidays) so mom has to endure til then. That gave me a lot of stress initially (long story) but it has all worked out since and I am so glad. And hopefully I don't have to stay the entire closing week, maybe just a day or two. =)

Worried.

Today, Kate starts her first day at her playgroup. It's two hours every weekday. I was really excited for her and nervous too. But right now, I'm just worried. Worried that I may have hastily chosen, that I may be sending her to a centre where she will not be properly taken care of. Sigh.


So this is how it feels like. To entrust your child with a stranger. Though two hours only, I suddenly just feel so worried. =(