As I prepare to leave for my holiday...I realised I have not prepared anything at all. We have not exactly packed our luggage - trust me, we should spend more time on that since Kate's coming along. I have not checked on airport transfers & stuff like that. Heh. I hope this won't affect our trip though. Being so ill-prepared for a holiday is a first for me actually...


Just as we are leaving, this whole week is jam-packed with activities. So busy, busy, busy. & my room is a huge mess - everything everywhere. I would like to call it organised mess but frankly, I can't find anything! Its most definately just a mess. =)


I had the best steamboat tonight ever - & Kate's the number one reason for that. Blog bout that the next post with pictures too!

Worried

Last night I msged her after reading her blog...& her replies after were worrying...


I don't know if I can help her, & worse still I think she is sinking into depression. How? How do you help someone when she's depressed? I mean, I have been in depression before but...& worse still, I'm going for my holiday soon. I don't know if I can access the internet there.


I hate feeling helpless. Yet that is what I am.

The one with grouchy Kate

Don't know what's up with Kate these few days...she damn grouchy! Always screaming, & after that laughing again. Think she going kuku. Maybe the presence of her pops making her bit kuku. Haha. She's been sticking to him lots which makes me a very happy person, haha. First, it gives me my space & second, I think it gives hubs a whole new experience - being the "mommy".


Today, Kate was playing with her spoon & bottle cap & she fed me "food" for a good ten minutes. Hee. She's been walking alot, & she keeps wanting to walk everywhere we go. Very tiring le! Just last evening, she made me walk the whole time we were at hubs friend's house.


As we prepare to leave for our holiday, I'm a little worried for two of my closest friends. They both seem to be having a really hard time now & it doesn't seem that it will get any better any time soon...

I have always wondered bout the past. What if this, what if that? Had I this, had I that, would things turn out differently. Today however, I decided that instead of wondering, I am just gonna focus on now. If I get answers to my questions, good. If not, be it. It really shouldn't matter since we are now in the NOW & not in the past.


I feel a little strange today. Getting a little irritated with being like this, always thinking bout the unpleasant stuff in life. Just gonna pretend now. Gonna hit out all the unpleasant thoughts.


Kate's a terrible grouch today. Hope her afternoon nap will make her feel better later.

As I sit here in front of the laptop, so many things are running through my mind. Truely I know that I must surely be very blessed, I don't have the stress of problems that so many people around me seem to have. But I really don't feel happy inside. Is it me? Or circumstances? Or is it really that there is a problem in my relationship - my marriage?

A few nights ago I asked hubs if he thought that Kate's the only link between us now. He answered me something along the line that its my fault. I thought I heard wrongly so I asked him if he was really saying that its my fault. And he answered yes.

Tonight as we were speaking again, I asked him whether singlehood made him happier or parenthood. He answered the latter but also told me point blank that he felt it was the former for me. To which I replied that marriage was not the death of our relationship but somehow, parenthood was. And so we had this discussion & again I felt that he was just trying to assert blame & thus it made me defensive & upset. I asked around recently & everyone I asked agreed that hubs & I are not the same couple. I deeply feel so too. I really don't know what went wrong & how but it began when Kate was born. I'm not trying to say that its Kate, rather it was parenthood. Exactly how? No explanation. & it seems to me no solution either. Hubs feel that the problem is me.


Who doesn't? The people closest to me do not understand me anymore, be it my family or husband. Rather, I seek comfort in my friends, & it feels really troubling to me. Everyday I have so many conversations in my head. My OCD is getting worse & honestly I find myself flaring everytime someone gets in the way of my OCD. Not gonna explain why & how. Is that an excuse? No, its not. I just feel like screaming at the air sometimes, "Leave me alone, I don't want to think!" But I can't, I really can't.


When I try to think what went wrong between us & why am I looking at the couples around & envying them the easy banter, I really have no answers. I don't think it is necessary for hubs & me to discuss or talk about it anymore, because I know he thinks I am the problem, which translate to "You go change yourself & things will be fine between us". To which I disagree so what is the point?


I don't know if it really truely is my fault for everything. I don't know how long we can go on like this, like a loveless couple, together for no apparent reason other than the fact that they are married. Don't know why I feel like nobody understands me in this whole wide world. Nobody bout nothing. Either you don't understand why I complain, or why I am so unhappy, or why I wanna be a stay home mom blah blah blah. I saw this variety show that night. The two best friends were talking bout how close they were. How A would call B crying on the phone, & B would just keep quiet & not even have to ask her why. They talked bout how B would always be on stand by for A, regardless the time & B would always be rushing down to "rescue" A all the time because of certain issues. At that moment, I thought about someone, because we had that friendship so long ago. & I can't help but feel like perhaps, just perhaps she might understand all this. I hate reminiscing.

The one with plenty to say

I had the absolute best time yesterday for the first time since I became a mom! Though it was merely watching a movie & dinner & some booze at a kopitiam no less, I really had such a great time just being me. =) Kudos to Yvonne dear & Fanni sweets. I have not watched a movie in like two years, & I had such a blast even though it was a Jackie Chan movie. Dinner was great & I got high on a glass & a half of beer. Haha! Reached home in such a blur & it hit me when I found myself chatting incessantly to hubs that I had such a great time just being Maria for the day.


Kate, has been taking her first few independent steps & its so amazing watching her walk with outstretched arms to us, throwing herself into our likewise outstretched arms. Everyday with her now is so amazing, & though I have never mentioned it to hubs before, but I am so grateful that he has been so supportive of my staying at home - he gave me this incredible chance to be at home, to be with our little gal, watching her grow everyday. Kate's so intelligent & actually rather obedient. Everytime I give her an instruction - she follows it. Though quite reluctantly sometimes. Haha. I just love it when she throws her arms around me & squeezes me to her. I remember just a few days back, she attempted her first few steps in our room - walking from the bed to where I was lying. She was laughing as she fell onto me. The jubilance on her face obvious as she hugged me. You know, all the crap I got doesn't matter at moments like this - its like how long is Kate gonna stay a baby, how long will she love me in her childlike ways? I mean, kids grow up - they go through their teenage years & maybe she's gonna hate me then & all that stuff. There will come a time when she grows up & has her own life & I won't be the whole world to her. But now? I AM the whole world to her, & the obvious delight on her face whenever she sees me just warms my whole heart & tells me its all worth it. I just wanna embrace these few glorious years, when I will be her all... Because I know it may not always be that way. But I do know one thing's for certain, she will always be my all, now & always...

The one with the dream

I had the weirdest dream last night... & woke up feeling disoriented & a strange sense of longing to stay in the dream. I tried to wake hubs up since I couldn't get back to sleep but he refused to. Feeling really upset with him right now, though I think its more because of the dream than him sleeping.


Yesterday I had the greatest time meeting up with Haifung, Alvin & Yvonne. Though awkward at first, we soon started chatting like before. It's strange how people come together & form bonds; hopefully which stays that way a long time. I suddenly wished I was back at that time when we were all working together & having our meals together, each of us making our way to meet each other from all different parts of the airport. Too bad we didn't take photos...but! We are meeting up again soon for KTV. Haha, with baby Kate too!


I can't wait for all my loots to arrive...Fanni & I ordered scrapbook stuff. & two months ago I ordered some clothes & a bag & the best part is it's all arriving together! Yipee! I love receiving overseas packages & just love the anticipation & all. I really love shopping...but been trying to cut down because I know its not healthy... I mean, its mostly wants & not needs. I must try harder...=(

My birthday 2009

Birthday pics up...Not a lot though, & strangely, none of me! Haha. I had a great time window shopping though... Here's little Kate trying out hats at Muji...~Winks~


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