babymittens

As I sit here in front of the laptop, so many things are running through my mind. Truely I know that I must surely be very blessed, I don't have the stress of problems that so many people around me seem to have. But I really don't feel happy inside. Is it me? Or circumstances? Or is it really that there is a problem in my relationship - my marriage?

A few nights ago I asked hubs if he thought that Kate's the only link between us now. He answered me something along the line that its my fault. I thought I heard wrongly so I asked him if he was really saying that its my fault. And he answered yes.

Tonight as we were speaking again, I asked him whether singlehood made him happier or parenthood. He answered the latter but also told me point blank that he felt it was the former for me. To which I replied that marriage was not the death of our relationship but somehow, parenthood was. And so we had this discussion & again I felt that he was just trying to assert blame & thus it made me defensive & upset. I asked around recently & everyone I asked agreed that hubs & I are not the same couple. I deeply feel so too. I really don't know what went wrong & how but it began when Kate was born. I'm not trying to say that its Kate, rather it was parenthood. Exactly how? No explanation. & it seems to me no solution either. Hubs feel that the problem is me.


Who doesn't? The people closest to me do not understand me anymore, be it my family or husband. Rather, I seek comfort in my friends, & it feels really troubling to me. Everyday I have so many conversations in my head. My OCD is getting worse & honestly I find myself flaring everytime someone gets in the way of my OCD. Not gonna explain why & how. Is that an excuse? No, its not. I just feel like screaming at the air sometimes, "Leave me alone, I don't want to think!" But I can't, I really can't.


When I try to think what went wrong between us & why am I looking at the couples around & envying them the easy banter, I really have no answers. I don't think it is necessary for hubs & me to discuss or talk about it anymore, because I know he thinks I am the problem, which translate to "You go change yourself & things will be fine between us". To which I disagree so what is the point?


I don't know if it really truely is my fault for everything. I don't know how long we can go on like this, like a loveless couple, together for no apparent reason other than the fact that they are married. Don't know why I feel like nobody understands me in this whole wide world. Nobody bout nothing. Either you don't understand why I complain, or why I am so unhappy, or why I wanna be a stay home mom blah blah blah. I saw this variety show that night. The two best friends were talking bout how close they were. How A would call B crying on the phone, & B would just keep quiet & not even have to ask her why. They talked bout how B would always be on stand by for A, regardless the time & B would always be rushing down to "rescue" A all the time because of certain issues. At that moment, I thought about someone, because we had that friendship so long ago. & I can't help but feel like perhaps, just perhaps she might understand all this. I hate reminiscing.