I tried my best. I know I'm not the perfect mother or the best mother around and to be frank, sometimes I wish I wasn't one. I never wanted a kid at all until Immanuel step into my life. It was then that I thought perhaps I would like one.
So ta-da, Kate was born. The thing is... I'm so overwhelmed sometimes. People discourage me from being a stay home mom - sometimes going as far as to snub me & all. Others give snide remarks bout how Kate is so spoilt or hint that I'm a lousy mother. Then those close enough would say that I'm always & forever complaining. I get it. When I look at my blog, I am aware that though there are joyful posts, there are also the whiny complaining ones. And the ones that are rather depressing. I know I shouldn't take anything to heart, that though people may not always be nice or understanding or kind, I should just ignore the bad things. But that is so easy to say & hard to do. Are you able to ignore everything that is bad in your life? I know I should not let those people affect me, how they think & what they say. But I am human & it does matter to me what others think of me. If you don't, good for you. But look at it this way, all of us do get affected by others in some way or another, don't act like you don't. Its just that we all get affected by different things. But its still the same; we are human & it matters to us sometimes what others say.
I love Kate, no question about it. I am happy being a stay home mom, spending my time, devoting it entirely to her. But I would love to be able to sometimes, go out & enjoy myself with the adult world, without having to worry about whether she is in good hands or whether she is giving others problems. My mom is ill, my mil, dad & brothers don't know how to look after her, my sil gets along great with her but don't know how to do nappy changes, my hubby can't put her to sleep, I have no maid or nanny & I'm not comfortable leaving her with strangers, I already said umpteen times I'm looking after her full-time til she's 18 months at least.(So DON'T suggest me putting her in childcare now, I heard that A F_ING MILLION times & I'm soooooo SICK of explaining). So, that really leaves me nowhere, DOESN'T it???
So, to sum it all up, I have to bring her EVERYWHERE I go, & I CAN'T go out at night & yes I want to sometimes go out with the gals & have a drink. IS THAT SO HARD?
It's not Kate I'm worried bout. K, I'm worried about her. But I'm more worried bout if I just went out & left her with any of the above mentioned people & she wakes up & crys non stop. First, it wakes up everyone in the house. Second, it tramatises the person looking after her & he/she may not be so willing or happy to help me again. Third, I rather go out not having to worry bout anyone calling me to go home now OR soon as she is crying & they can't pacify her. So get it?
But I can't help feeling resentful. Other people I know, majority leaves the kid in their parents/pil care, or have a maid & regularly are able to go out. I just want to be able to do so once in awhile, but I know I can't. Not for now at least. Sometimes I feel like I can accept that. Others, I feel like I'm going mad. Doesn't anyone understand? I don't NEED your sympathy or pity, there is nothing pitiful about it. I just need your empathy...why can't you understand that I wanna be a mother but I also need to be Maria sometimes? Just sometimes, without worries. Without worries...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry X'mas peeps!
Merry, merry X'mas!
Someone mentioned that with kids, the festive season become a whole lot more fun. Couldn't agree more! Kate went with me & mom to Jurong Point & made us laughed when she screamed in excitement at the restaurant where we were having dinner. & she couldn't wait while I went into the shop to get her a gift, a christmas-y helium balloon. When she finally went to sleep at 10-ish, I thought she had turned in for the night. At 11-ish, she got up, looked at me & after awhile, she started to kick her legs in excitement. Its as though she knew it was the eve of Christmas & got up to celebrate with us! So darn cute.
I found myself thinking back to the past year, when I had to give up so much of the things that I thought defined who I was and all my freedom just to be a stay home mom. There were so many times I resented all of it, when I envied those who had maids or people to help them take care of baby while they go ahead & have a baby-free day by themselves. But as I marvelled at how much my little gal has grown, I realise that along with her, I have grown up too.. & I secretly take pride in the fact that I have been by her side all these while. =)
Pictures soon!
Someone mentioned that with kids, the festive season become a whole lot more fun. Couldn't agree more! Kate went with me & mom to Jurong Point & made us laughed when she screamed in excitement at the restaurant where we were having dinner. & she couldn't wait while I went into the shop to get her a gift, a christmas-y helium balloon. When she finally went to sleep at 10-ish, I thought she had turned in for the night. At 11-ish, she got up, looked at me & after awhile, she started to kick her legs in excitement. Its as though she knew it was the eve of Christmas & got up to celebrate with us! So darn cute.
I found myself thinking back to the past year, when I had to give up so much of the things that I thought defined who I was and all my freedom just to be a stay home mom. There were so many times I resented all of it, when I envied those who had maids or people to help them take care of baby while they go ahead & have a baby-free day by themselves. But as I marvelled at how much my little gal has grown, I realise that along with her, I have grown up too.. & I secretly take pride in the fact that I have been by her side all these while. =)
Pictures soon!
Monday, December 21, 2009
The one with the pining & the decision
In Batam, Fanni & I was talking & the topic of Stella & me came up. I was actually comtemplating sending her a xmas pressie & see how things go. Thought maybe we could just move on from there.
Last night I got to thinking about all my friends & how we met & all the past friends I had.
So today I msged Stella. & til now she hasn't replied. Which is clear. Not that her actions weren't clear before. I guessed I just miss all that we had. But there is only so much I will do, because I feel that it shouldn't be hard. & I have my pride too. So...if she doesn't wanna talk, fine. Don't wanna be friends, fine. It's gonna be alright. Its so silly & hurting & enough's enough. Truely, it's over.
Last night I got to thinking about all my friends & how we met & all the past friends I had.
So today I msged Stella. & til now she hasn't replied. Which is clear. Not that her actions weren't clear before. I guessed I just miss all that we had. But there is only so much I will do, because I feel that it shouldn't be hard. & I have my pride too. So...if she doesn't wanna talk, fine. Don't wanna be friends, fine. It's gonna be alright. Its so silly & hurting & enough's enough. Truely, it's over.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
The one where we went to Ikea!
We went out with my in-laws the other day to get furniture for their new place... Kate had a blast trying out the baby cribs there!
She's such a beauty, isn't she?
She's such a beauty, isn't she?
The one with the overdue KL pics!
I finally got down to editing the pictures from our KL trip! Then I realised we didn't take that many pictures after all, haha!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Yesterday...I suddenly thought of Stella. And then I was damn pissed off at everything that has happened between us. Dad had asked me if we were back on talking terms, & no we are not. I don't know if we will ever, but I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment - not gonna worry bout her. Dad thinks we are crazy. Sigh. Not me!
Well...I just came back from a lovely wedding dinner...very tired but can't sleep. Sometimes I just feel so helpless & drained out. I can't sleep when I'm exhausted, because I have to wait til Kate does. & I can't bathe or do anything til she sleeps. So I wait an hour or so for her to fall asleep, then go bathe, & pack or whatever. It's so tiring...I wished I could manage my time a little better. Speaking of which, I guess I also need to handle my shopping craves too. I wanted this Oakley backpack, to bring Kate's stuff along & all. I already have a diaper backpack, but its heavy & overpriced & loud. So I'm gonna sell that. But Oakley bags are quite pricey too. So I bought a cheap one today, rugged & big! And I was very happy with my buy til hubs told me Oakley having 50% discount on some bags now...& I feel like buying again! Sigh... I must control. I keep telling myself I don't need another bag/pair of shoes/whatever it is that I catch a fancy to. But I always catch a fancy to everything I see & its so hard to control myself! I always think, when I see something, that it goes so well with this & that & the colour is so pretty & blah blah blah. Must stop. I always tell myself & hubs "I gotta have that!" Then I start to feel abit bad after buying, especially the expensive things...like the amount I spent on the item could have fed a family for how long etc...I even thought to myself; if everytime I wanna buy something, I put aside the money for charity instead, imagine how much that would help the needy!
Oh, heard bout the boys brigade sharity drive? You can read more here...
http://bbshare.sg/
You can buy some biscuits, cereals, rice, halal canned food, adult or children diapers or find out what are the wish list or food list of the needy & donate accordingly. For the food or grocery items that you wanna donate, you can find out where the gift boxes are, & then you can go to that particular NTUC & shop for the items & donate at the gift box straight away, convenient right? Mom & I saw the gift box at Jurong Point today so we bought some stuff. I think its nice to know I helped someone instead of always just shopping for my wants.
Well...I just came back from a lovely wedding dinner...very tired but can't sleep. Sometimes I just feel so helpless & drained out. I can't sleep when I'm exhausted, because I have to wait til Kate does. & I can't bathe or do anything til she sleeps. So I wait an hour or so for her to fall asleep, then go bathe, & pack or whatever. It's so tiring...I wished I could manage my time a little better. Speaking of which, I guess I also need to handle my shopping craves too. I wanted this Oakley backpack, to bring Kate's stuff along & all. I already have a diaper backpack, but its heavy & overpriced & loud. So I'm gonna sell that. But Oakley bags are quite pricey too. So I bought a cheap one today, rugged & big! And I was very happy with my buy til hubs told me Oakley having 50% discount on some bags now...& I feel like buying again! Sigh... I must control. I keep telling myself I don't need another bag/pair of shoes/whatever it is that I catch a fancy to. But I always catch a fancy to everything I see & its so hard to control myself! I always think, when I see something, that it goes so well with this & that & the colour is so pretty & blah blah blah. Must stop. I always tell myself & hubs "I gotta have that!" Then I start to feel abit bad after buying, especially the expensive things...like the amount I spent on the item could have fed a family for how long etc...I even thought to myself; if everytime I wanna buy something, I put aside the money for charity instead, imagine how much that would help the needy!
Oh, heard bout the boys brigade sharity drive? You can read more here...
http://bbshare.sg/
You can buy some biscuits, cereals, rice, halal canned food, adult or children diapers or find out what are the wish list or food list of the needy & donate accordingly. For the food or grocery items that you wanna donate, you can find out where the gift boxes are, & then you can go to that particular NTUC & shop for the items & donate at the gift box straight away, convenient right? Mom & I saw the gift box at Jurong Point today so we bought some stuff. I think its nice to know I helped someone instead of always just shopping for my wants.
Friday, December 4, 2009
The one with plenty of pictures!
I'm so glad...Finally cleared a box of rubbish that I left in the storeroom. Cleared all the junk & now need to pack everything neatly into the cupboards. Sigh, another sleepless night packing again. After all the packing of my room, still gotta pack storeroom. It's like a never ending job. But I feel such a sense of accomplishment!
Now uploading the pics for Kate's bday bash...to Facebook. Its taking forever. Let's try here again. (The other night, I tried uploading but something went wrong with my editting.)
Okay...the above pics were from Des's camera...Still got more in mine. No time to upload yet though...Part two will come. Heh!
My editing went wrong...not very sure why some pics smaller & all. Never ming. Will figure it out some other time. Damn pissed with my blog though. Everytime I upload a picture, I gotta edit html and delete the seperator. If not, my whole post is ruined with pictures and seperator ALL OVER. Sigh. Wanna upload pics also so troublesome.
Anyway...today it rained really heavily...And Kate & I was in the room when there was a clap of thunder. I told her gently "Thunder..." And she replied me, "Thun er"! Haha! So very cute. She's attempting to talk but each word she says is slurred. Other than a very audible dad & mom & not forgetting mum(food), the rest doesn't really sound like the real word, haha! & each time I try to make her stand properly alone, in the hopes of getting her to attempt walking to me, she refuses. She will laugh & sit on the floor. Funny little gal.
The other day I left her on the bathroom floor while I washed my hands. Usually I close the door but that day I forgot. When I finished washing & wanted to pick her up, I realised she was gone! Panicky & knowing that little rugrat would surely go to the staircase, I ran out shouting for her. True enough, I found her at the top of the staircase, peering down at her uncles. Mom, upon hearing me shout, had instantly knew Kate must have crawled to the staircase too & was halfway up to get her. Gave us such a scare... sigh. I gotta be more careful man...
Ooh...anyway, its december again! The month of my birthday & Christmas! My favorite festive season! The past few years, I always wondered where that magical feeling I always got went to. I guess as you grow older, you spend less time with your family and more with your friends. Not that it isn't fun, it's just different. I realised alot of the magic for me, came from the time I had with my family in the past...So maybe that's what is missing from my christmas the last few years. Instead of having lovely christmas songs playing in the background, turkey & beef on the table, & audible conversations with my loved ones, I have been clubbing with friends. Drinking ourselves silly... Hmmm... Other than last year of course, when I just gave birth.
Anyway...I still love this month! I got wish le...Can please don't give my my birthday & christmas gift together? Haha. So not fair! I ALWAYS get them together, as in one gift for both occasions! ... And super big hint; if you don't know what to get me, just get me a fictional book, a thriller at that or some scrapbook stuff! Paper/stamps/embellishments whatever! Better yet, make me something! It doesn't have to be expensive. Contrary to what people think of me; high maintenence & only go for expensive stuff, I do not always go for the expensive things! But of course, if you wanna splurge on me, why not get me my all-time top of the list bag to get? The Loewe Amazona bag. I love the simple design but the hefty price tag is crazy!
Ooh, got this cartoon strip of Kate from Fanni's blog, isn't it adorable?? (Thanks Fanni!)
Now uploading the pics for Kate's bday bash...to Facebook. Its taking forever. Let's try here again. (The other night, I tried uploading but something went wrong with my editting.)
Okay...the above pics were from Des's camera...Still got more in mine. No time to upload yet though...Part two will come. Heh!
My editing went wrong...not very sure why some pics smaller & all. Never ming. Will figure it out some other time. Damn pissed with my blog though. Everytime I upload a picture, I gotta edit html and delete the seperator. If not, my whole post is ruined with pictures and seperator ALL OVER. Sigh. Wanna upload pics also so troublesome.
Anyway...today it rained really heavily...And Kate & I was in the room when there was a clap of thunder. I told her gently "Thunder..." And she replied me, "Thun er"! Haha! So very cute. She's attempting to talk but each word she says is slurred. Other than a very audible dad & mom & not forgetting mum(food), the rest doesn't really sound like the real word, haha! & each time I try to make her stand properly alone, in the hopes of getting her to attempt walking to me, she refuses. She will laugh & sit on the floor. Funny little gal.
The other day I left her on the bathroom floor while I washed my hands. Usually I close the door but that day I forgot. When I finished washing & wanted to pick her up, I realised she was gone! Panicky & knowing that little rugrat would surely go to the staircase, I ran out shouting for her. True enough, I found her at the top of the staircase, peering down at her uncles. Mom, upon hearing me shout, had instantly knew Kate must have crawled to the staircase too & was halfway up to get her. Gave us such a scare... sigh. I gotta be more careful man...
Ooh...anyway, its december again! The month of my birthday & Christmas! My favorite festive season! The past few years, I always wondered where that magical feeling I always got went to. I guess as you grow older, you spend less time with your family and more with your friends. Not that it isn't fun, it's just different. I realised alot of the magic for me, came from the time I had with my family in the past...So maybe that's what is missing from my christmas the last few years. Instead of having lovely christmas songs playing in the background, turkey & beef on the table, & audible conversations with my loved ones, I have been clubbing with friends. Drinking ourselves silly... Hmmm... Other than last year of course, when I just gave birth.
Anyway...I still love this month! I got wish le...Can please don't give my my birthday & christmas gift together? Haha. So not fair! I ALWAYS get them together, as in one gift for both occasions! ... And super big hint; if you don't know what to get me, just get me a fictional book, a thriller at that or some scrapbook stuff! Paper/stamps/embellishments whatever! Better yet, make me something! It doesn't have to be expensive. Contrary to what people think of me; high maintenence & only go for expensive stuff, I do not always go for the expensive things! But of course, if you wanna splurge on me, why not get me my all-time top of the list bag to get? The Loewe Amazona bag. I love the simple design but the hefty price tag is crazy!
Ooh, got this cartoon strip of Kate from Fanni's blog, isn't it adorable?? (Thanks Fanni!)
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