My sanity is at question

I tried my best. I know I'm not the perfect mother or the best mother around and to be frank, sometimes I wish I wasn't one. I never wanted a kid at all until Immanuel step into my life. It was then that I thought perhaps I would like one.


So ta-da, Kate was born. The thing is... I'm so overwhelmed sometimes. People discourage me from being a stay home mom - sometimes going as far as to snub me & all. Others give snide remarks bout how Kate is so spoilt or hint that I'm a lousy mother. Then those close enough would say that I'm always & forever complaining. I get it. When I look at my blog, I am aware that though there are joyful posts, there are also the whiny complaining ones. And the ones that are rather depressing. I know I shouldn't take anything to heart, that though people may not always be nice or understanding or kind, I should just ignore the bad things. But that is so easy to say & hard to do. Are you able to ignore everything that is bad in your life? I know I should not let those people affect me, how they think & what they say. But I am human & it does matter to me what others think of me. If you don't, good for you. But look at it this way, all of us do get affected by others in some way or another, don't act like you don't. Its just that we all get affected by different things. But its still the same; we are human & it matters to us sometimes what others say.


I love Kate, no question about it. I am happy being a stay home mom, spending my time, devoting it entirely to her. But I would love to be able to sometimes, go out & enjoy myself with the adult world, without having to worry about whether she is in good hands or whether she is giving others problems. My mom is ill, my mil, dad & brothers don't know how to look after her, my sil gets along great with her but don't know how to do nappy changes, my hubby can't put her to sleep, I have no maid or nanny & I'm not comfortable leaving her with strangers, I already said umpteen times I'm looking after her full-time til she's 18 months at least.(So DON'T suggest me putting her in childcare now, I heard that A F_ING MILLION times & I'm soooooo SICK of explaining). So, that really leaves me nowhere, DOESN'T it???


So, to sum it all up, I have to bring her EVERYWHERE I go, & I CAN'T go out at night & yes I want to sometimes go out with the gals & have a drink. IS THAT SO HARD?


It's not Kate I'm worried bout. K, I'm worried about her. But I'm more worried bout if I just went out & left her with any of the above mentioned people & she wakes up & crys non stop. First, it wakes up everyone in the house. Second, it tramatises the person looking after her & he/she may not be so willing or happy to help me again. Third, I rather go out not having to worry bout anyone calling me to go home now OR soon as she is crying & they can't pacify her. So get it?


But I can't help feeling resentful. Other people I know, majority leaves the kid in their parents/pil care, or have a maid & regularly are able to go out. I just want to be able to do so once in awhile, but I know I can't. Not for now at least. Sometimes I feel like I can accept that. Others, I feel like I'm going mad. Doesn't anyone understand? I don't NEED your sympathy or pity, there is nothing pitiful about it. I just need your empathy...why can't you understand that I wanna be a mother but I also need to be Maria sometimes? Just sometimes, without worries. Without worries...