Change

You know, I thought of this just now. Change. It must happen within oneself.

Today, James & Stella came over & we went to JP to walk & wait for hubs to go for dinner. When he arrived, I passed baby to him & Stella & I went to look at lingerie. When we finished, I found hubs outside the store, with an irritated look. That started my tantrum. I got upset & went on & on about how men can't look after the child for awhile etc... Then when James suggested at dinner that I needed a holiday, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with everything & I ended up tearing. Hubs handed me a serviette which made it worse.

Which brings me to this post. I feel so tired of my life & I keep complaining about how being a mother is robbing me of myself. How I hate all those stupid comments that I have to put up with about how to raise a kid blah blah blah. How I hate that my friends hardly call me out anymore. How I hate that I must sacrifice so much to be a mother. How I hate everyone with their insensitive words. How I hate every single thing and every single person around in this world.

I have become so bitter that every word that comes out of my mouth is just negative. Everything is bad. Everyone is idiotic.

Sometimes I wish people would understand me more. That friends can really be a friend and not just call me when they need me because I need people too. That people will stop hurting me with their silly mean comments.

And as I was thinking over all that has happened, it suddenly dawned upon me that it's true that you cannot change the world. You cannot change anything nor anyone but yourself.

If I were to continue to be this negative, I am just gonna tire myself out even more. I am so tired of life because of myself. Do you know how it feels when you finally realised you can no longer blame anyone or anything for your life? That your worst enemy really is yourself?

The most important thing that I have realised today is the fact that I, I need to take everything in my stride. People & their comments, the maddening everyday mundaneness, everything. And by and by I will learn to cope.