Saturday, April 30, 2011
Can I say to you, please don't go? Don't leave me here alone. Because even at our worst,you were always my pillar of support. And we only got together again recently and things are picking up... I really don't know what I'm to do without you by my side, I really don't. I know I should be strong but without u, I don't know where to draw strength from.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Life. Is. Good.
For now anyway. And I'll take it as it comes, anyhow.
I realized what work life balance is all about. And that you should always be doing things that you love, to make up for the down sides of life.
I'm just grateful for the "now". And I wanna rediscover the Maria who did whatever she liked, disregarding all the negativity around. Just pushing through it all.
Be with me on this.
For now anyway. And I'll take it as it comes, anyhow.
I realized what work life balance is all about. And that you should always be doing things that you love, to make up for the down sides of life.
I'm just grateful for the "now". And I wanna rediscover the Maria who did whatever she liked, disregarding all the negativity around. Just pushing through it all.
Be with me on this.
Friday, April 15, 2011
For everything else
I just went to register Kate at the Childcare centre.
Registration fees:$53
Uniforms:$80
Deposit:$660
First month fees:$660
My peace of mind while at work: Priceless.
There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.
Like the ones below,
A new nice work bag. Preferably Miu Miu.
A lovely new chunky ring.
Air tickets to Australia.
A month's stay in Europe.
French couture furniture for my new yet-to-come place.
K. I'm kidding hubs. Lol
Registration fees:$53
Uniforms:$80
Deposit:$660
First month fees:$660
My peace of mind while at work: Priceless.
There are some things in life money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.
Like the ones below,
A new nice work bag. Preferably Miu Miu.
A lovely new chunky ring.
Air tickets to Australia.
A month's stay in Europe.
French couture furniture for my new yet-to-come place.
K. I'm kidding hubs. Lol
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The one with the decision
You know... Sometimes in life, there will be a point when a carrot is dangled in front of you. And at that point you will need to make a decision, whether to do as you like or want, despite the consequences. Or you just do what you have to.
Alot of things are on my mind right now. Hubs will soon be going for the training, but as we all know now, nothing is confirmed yet, how long, where to and all. I am very inclined to make the decision to follow him. Because of so many reasons, many only known to me and no one else because it's not necessary to list them all; it's my decision after all. One huge factor would be the whole adventure part. I know some think I'm nuts but what better time to do this than when I'm young still n my daughter is young too and we don't have to really worry bout work and school. This, however is something alot of people will never understand nor get.
There are many things to think about, n frankly I think I have thought about most things. From money, to being alone there, to my job and after we are back, to doing nothing much there, (how absolutely glorious don't you think?)except to think of what to do there, where to go and having the time to explore the place n figuring how to get around, and just having the time to stop and look up at the beautiful clouds. Oh? You don't think it's glorious??
Of course. There will be times that we will get frustrated, or lost or have to deal with nasty situations. Like what to do if Kate is sick? Or me? Or what if we don't have enough? Or what if people are mean to us? Or when I'm having a bad day and Kate won't cooperate? What if hubs have to stay at work late all the time and we are always alone? There are so much more of course, but so far no one has brought up anything that I have not thought of already. Any solution? Actually no. I'll just have to deal with each and every problem when it happens. And because I'm a mother, I have learnt that you just really have to prepare for the worst but not worry too much and take things in your stride. I'm not a risk taker when it comes to money. But strangely I'm one when it comes to my life, in a sense.
I think... (And this is taking a huge deal for me to admit) because of the depression (Yes I finally admit it, I know I have not been happy in awhile) that I have been going through since the transition into motherhood, and all the crappish stuff in my life, that I really feel that life is so mundane and everything that I have been doing thus far is merely surviving. Don't you sometimes wonder what you are doing here? Or that you are sick of life? I have been thinking that so, so often in my whole life. Surviving from day to day, is just not worth it. I feel that life is not worth it. (Is that so suprising? I'm not saying that I'm not blessed to have everything that I have, you know) And I just wanna try something different, to live, for once. I'm not saying that going on this impromtu long trip will solve anything about the way I feel, or that it is living. I just think that this saying makes sense; "In life, sometimes you have to get lost in order to find yourself." That is why in movies(And I think it happens in real life too, I don't care if you don't know anyone like that, if you don't, then let me be the first), people up and leave for awhile, especially after a long period of everyday mundaneness or depression or a really bad time. Then usually, they come back, richer in experience, poorer in the pocket, and especially in movies, they come back renewed, and happier. (I'm not saying this will happen, just giving an example) Does this makes sense? I am really so bad at articulating exactly how I feel, I mean I try, but when I read it, it just isn't enough to describe exactly how I'm feeling inside. But I guess, this is a sorta "how I feel" I must be thinking bout the whole "adventure" part.
Anyway, the most important person in this decision making has brought up his concerns and also made his stand quite clear too. And yes, hubs feel that I shouldn't go and stay for the whole duration, for reasons that I understand and agree on. So since his answer is better not, I'll leave it as it is. So there. Mind made up for me already. Nothing else to add...
Alot of things are on my mind right now. Hubs will soon be going for the training, but as we all know now, nothing is confirmed yet, how long, where to and all. I am very inclined to make the decision to follow him. Because of so many reasons, many only known to me and no one else because it's not necessary to list them all; it's my decision after all. One huge factor would be the whole adventure part. I know some think I'm nuts but what better time to do this than when I'm young still n my daughter is young too and we don't have to really worry bout work and school. This, however is something alot of people will never understand nor get.
There are many things to think about, n frankly I think I have thought about most things. From money, to being alone there, to my job and after we are back, to doing nothing much there, (how absolutely glorious don't you think?)except to think of what to do there, where to go and having the time to explore the place n figuring how to get around, and just having the time to stop and look up at the beautiful clouds. Oh? You don't think it's glorious??
Of course. There will be times that we will get frustrated, or lost or have to deal with nasty situations. Like what to do if Kate is sick? Or me? Or what if we don't have enough? Or what if people are mean to us? Or when I'm having a bad day and Kate won't cooperate? What if hubs have to stay at work late all the time and we are always alone? There are so much more of course, but so far no one has brought up anything that I have not thought of already. Any solution? Actually no. I'll just have to deal with each and every problem when it happens. And because I'm a mother, I have learnt that you just really have to prepare for the worst but not worry too much and take things in your stride. I'm not a risk taker when it comes to money. But strangely I'm one when it comes to my life, in a sense.
I think... (And this is taking a huge deal for me to admit) because of the depression (Yes I finally admit it, I know I have not been happy in awhile) that I have been going through since the transition into motherhood, and all the crappish stuff in my life, that I really feel that life is so mundane and everything that I have been doing thus far is merely surviving. Don't you sometimes wonder what you are doing here? Or that you are sick of life? I have been thinking that so, so often in my whole life. Surviving from day to day, is just not worth it. I feel that life is not worth it. (Is that so suprising? I'm not saying that I'm not blessed to have everything that I have, you know) And I just wanna try something different, to live, for once. I'm not saying that going on this impromtu long trip will solve anything about the way I feel, or that it is living. I just think that this saying makes sense; "In life, sometimes you have to get lost in order to find yourself." That is why in movies(And I think it happens in real life too, I don't care if you don't know anyone like that, if you don't, then let me be the first), people up and leave for awhile, especially after a long period of everyday mundaneness or depression or a really bad time. Then usually, they come back, richer in experience, poorer in the pocket, and especially in movies, they come back renewed, and happier. (I'm not saying this will happen, just giving an example) Does this makes sense? I am really so bad at articulating exactly how I feel, I mean I try, but when I read it, it just isn't enough to describe exactly how I'm feeling inside. But I guess, this is a sorta "how I feel" I must be thinking bout the whole "adventure" part.
Anyway, the most important person in this decision making has brought up his concerns and also made his stand quite clear too. And yes, hubs feel that I shouldn't go and stay for the whole duration, for reasons that I understand and agree on. So since his answer is better not, I'll leave it as it is. So there. Mind made up for me already. Nothing else to add...
Friday, April 8, 2011
Four years ago, I had a vision of what my life would be in the future. I knew what I wanted, needed and what I didn't. I was adamant that I'll never change my mind.. But I did. So now here I am, where I don't want to be. And I was right then. Now, every moment of every day, I feel like a walking time bomb, ready to explode anytime. Any time.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The world and it's events
Japan is still reeling from the aftermath of the quake and tsunami, and now news that the second reactor could also suffer a blast. As news after news flash plays, a lot of things come to mind.
Do you find it difficult to believe that the world will come to an end? I watched several documentaries before this recent quake and aside from my faith, I really do think that it is very possible for the world to come to an end. From meteors hitting us to solar storms and who knows what else. I believe that the world will come to an end, but I don't believe that we can predict when. That is not ours to decide after all.
Some people were joking, some were insensitive and many nonchalant. I guess since it's happening so far away, some people are able to detach themselves and just take it as another piece of news. For me, I just really find it soooo weird to be going about my life while out there, people are struggling and are in pain, physical or not. Of course, even before this quake, there are already many out there who are in pain, and in need. And sometimes when I shop or eat at expensive places, I feel weird knowing that there are many people who could have done a lot with the money that I have just spent frivolously. It's just that whenever something major happens, I feel like it's ultra strange to be eating well and shopping while out there, people don't even have access to basic needs like water or food or a clean place to rest. As I told hubs, no matter what happens, how bad it is, and how it cripples some people's lives, the world does not stop turning for anyone. It feels so weird, really. Life goes on, for all of us. Even those affected, they have to go on.
What amazes me though while watching the news, is that the Japs who have just had everything taken from them, can still be so civil-minded and queue up to get food supplies from the store. They do not shove or push, and they do not complain. I really admire this quiet strength that they have displayed even when they are in so much pain and saddness.
At work today, an old uncle that I was working with told me that this quake is Japan's retribution. I had to bit down on my lip, so I would not get into an argument with him, and so that I won't have to be rude to him either. After such a major disaster, it baffles me that people can say such insensitive things. We should be trying to help and not be gossiping about things that has happened long ago or why it happened. To me, the war is unrelated to the quake. I don't see a relation between the two. It's just saddening that there are always those who make insensitive comments, or jokes about major disasters. But it happens, and we are all different-we view things differently. I was telling hubs that it's a good thing that Japan has good infrastructure and is developed, because it could have been so much worse if it wasn't---so many more lives could have been lost.
I read this comment somewhere..."We try to play God, but are humbled by the mighty force of what God has created. He can command storms and remember, He can calm them too. So pray for the people in Japan."
Do you find it difficult to believe that the world will come to an end? I watched several documentaries before this recent quake and aside from my faith, I really do think that it is very possible for the world to come to an end. From meteors hitting us to solar storms and who knows what else. I believe that the world will come to an end, but I don't believe that we can predict when. That is not ours to decide after all.
Some people were joking, some were insensitive and many nonchalant. I guess since it's happening so far away, some people are able to detach themselves and just take it as another piece of news. For me, I just really find it soooo weird to be going about my life while out there, people are struggling and are in pain, physical or not. Of course, even before this quake, there are already many out there who are in pain, and in need. And sometimes when I shop or eat at expensive places, I feel weird knowing that there are many people who could have done a lot with the money that I have just spent frivolously. It's just that whenever something major happens, I feel like it's ultra strange to be eating well and shopping while out there, people don't even have access to basic needs like water or food or a clean place to rest. As I told hubs, no matter what happens, how bad it is, and how it cripples some people's lives, the world does not stop turning for anyone. It feels so weird, really. Life goes on, for all of us. Even those affected, they have to go on.
What amazes me though while watching the news, is that the Japs who have just had everything taken from them, can still be so civil-minded and queue up to get food supplies from the store. They do not shove or push, and they do not complain. I really admire this quiet strength that they have displayed even when they are in so much pain and saddness.
At work today, an old uncle that I was working with told me that this quake is Japan's retribution. I had to bit down on my lip, so I would not get into an argument with him, and so that I won't have to be rude to him either. After such a major disaster, it baffles me that people can say such insensitive things. We should be trying to help and not be gossiping about things that has happened long ago or why it happened. To me, the war is unrelated to the quake. I don't see a relation between the two. It's just saddening that there are always those who make insensitive comments, or jokes about major disasters. But it happens, and we are all different-we view things differently. I was telling hubs that it's a good thing that Japan has good infrastructure and is developed, because it could have been so much worse if it wasn't---so many more lives could have been lost.
I read this comment somewhere..."We try to play God, but are humbled by the mighty force of what God has created. He can command storms and remember, He can calm them too. So pray for the people in Japan."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
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